Respecting children’s feelings critical in building self-esteem


By Gloria J. Schneider
SPECIAL


Does your child see you as a friend or a foe? To find out, ask yourself this question: How many times a day do you express an attitude of disrespect toward your child through your facial expression, tone of voice, or touch?


If it is more than one or two times, your child probably will see you as a foe. The parental attitude that is most persistent is the one that the child will perceive to be your true attitude. And he will live his life accordingly.


Children who perceive their parent(s) as a foe have very low self-esteem. Because their parents do not respect their feelings, they think there is something wrong with them and this misery generates a type of anger that is the seed of violence. Over time it can grow all the way from antisocial behavior to outright violence.


If children perceive that their parent is a friend, they have high self-esteem. They think they are OK people. They are not angry, and this gives them the power, the self-discipline, to control their behavior.


Most parents’ touch, tone of voice and facial expression is good at times when they are reading to their children, or holding them, or telling them that they love them.


But what about when the children are making mistakes, when they are too noisy, or will not get dressed for school, or cry because they cannot have the toy in the store?


It is these times — the bulk of their life — that their parents’ touch, tone of voice and facial expressions often turn to that of the adversary. This adversarial attitude is where we are missing the mark with our children.
   


Parents, you can set firm rules for your children and consistently enforce them, without becoming their adversary. To accomplish this, you must try to respect your child’s feelings in every interaction.
   


For example, last night I was buying frozen yogurt, and I watched a tiny boy, about 2, trying to get into the store. His father had given him permission to join his mother inside.
The boy struggled for a long time to get the door open, but it was too heavy. Finally, with legs in a perfectly balanced, wide stance, he pushed the door open and slipped inside.  What a triumph! He tried to master it again. He pushed on the door a couple of times to see if he could get it open. Then his mother turned around and saw him. She got a furious, disgusted look on her face. She charged across the store, lifted him into the air by one arm and gave him a hard swat across the bottom.


She then left him standing there in his shame — never saying a word to him — and went back to get her yogurt. Children who are humiliated in this way tell me, "My mother can’t love me, there is something wrong with me."


This seemingly small event could have been an opportunity to convey respect for the child’s feelings. She could have been glad to see him; he is her precious boy.  She could have walked over to him and said, "Hi honey, what are you doing?" He probably would have told her how heavy the door was and how he got in anyway.


She could have said, "Boy it sure is heavy! You are so strong!" Then, she could have said, "But you know, we can’t stand in front of the door — people need to get through here and you might get hurt." The lesson taught, she could have then changed the subject and said, “What kind of yogurt do you want? Come over and see." She could have thought of his feelings, she could have been his advocate. Children whose parents learn to treat them this way tell me, "My mother loves me. Everything is OK — I’m OK."


Do you think the above examples are too small to be significant? They are not. They are the stuff of which a child’s life is made — and it all adds up to a feeling of self-worth.


When you persistently respect your child’s feelings, as shown through your facial expression, tone of voice and touch, your child develops a feeling of self-worth; you are his friend, so that means you must like him! This makes him feel good inside and feeling good enables your child to act good.  Do you think I am saying that by treating your child in a way that feels friendly to him you have the power to change his life, to change his behavior?  I am.


If one parent, one teacher, would heed this, collectively they would have the power to save our "lost generation"— one child at a time.


Gloria Schneider is director of the TLC Counseling & Training Center and has a master's from the Houston Graduate School of Theology.  Her daughter Karen Schneider, who assisted with this piece, is assistant director of the center and also has a master's from the Houston Graduate School of Theology.


Originally Published in The Houston Post, June 11, 1994

 

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