The way we parent can build self-respect or anger in children

By Gloria J. Schneider
SPECIAL

I urge all parents to reduce anger in their children.  As a society we must recognize that we are raising the children who are creating this overwhelming problem of gangs and violence.  It is not coming from someone else’s kids; it has found its way into the “best of homes” and the “best of schools.”  We must not be afraid to examine our child-rearing methods and to embrace a more effective way - a way that would end the downward spiral of our community. 

If your child is persistently disobedient, belligerent, hostile, depressed or hyperactive, an anger-reducing approach is highly recommended for remedying these problems.  If your child does not have these problems, then using an approach designed to diminish anger can actually prevent these behaviors.

Anger is the seed of violence, and parents have the power to prevent and /or remedy violence in their children by using and anger-reducing approach.

Everyday anger is not problematic.  In fact, it is necessary for survival and for being able to stand up for survival and for what we believe in.  The problematic anger discussed here is due to something the child is needing that makes him/her feel bad inside, something that causes the child to behave poorly.  Children, by their misbehavior, are trying to tell us something in the only way they can.  Our job is to find out what they are trying to tell us.

Most children in our society suffer from a feeling of being over-controlled.  This feeling gives the child the impression that the way he does things is not good enough.  This equals rejection; Maybe he is not good enough.  And this builds anger in the child.

One parent said to me, “You mean, my child is this enraged because I control her too much?”

I replied, “If your boss expected you to complete too many tasks, and then stood over you and told you how to perform each task, how would this make you feel?”

She said, “I would feel angry, not appreciated, not accepted, not trusted, and totally frustrated.”

When I asked her what she would do about it, she said she either would resolve the problem or quit.

She got my point.  Her child was not in a position to either resolve the problem or quit.  The child would express her bad feelings through her misbehavior.

When a parent is over-controlling, the child will come to perceive that his feelings don’t count, aren’t as important as his parents’ feelings.  To alleviate this, we recommend that parents allow their children to make their own decisions and their own mistakes.

   

For example, my daughter Karen got a skateboard and a new pair of dressy shoes one Christmas when she was about 9.  She yearned to wear her new shoes while trying out her new skateboard.

I pointed out that in all probability her new shoes would get scuffed up, and then she would not have them for dressing up.

She didn’t care, her desire was so great.  I did not make her wear her old shoes to skateboard.  Her new shoes did get scuffed.  She was very disappointed.

I was sorry.  I said, “We’ll polish them and fix them up as much as possible.”

This is the opposite of the over-controlling attitude that builds problematic anger.  The lessons my child learned in this one event were more effective than a thousand lectures.  Karen learned she could trust me and my advice.  She recognized in me an empathy for her through my sadness at her shoes’ being ruined and my willingness to help her find a solution to her problem.

But most of all, she learned, yet again, that I am her friend who loves her, and that I respect her as a person.  I showed this by allowing her to make her own decisions – not about vital issues that she was too young to make, but about everyday living issues.

Parents, when you save your power and control for really important issues and not over-control on the little things, your child will feel good about himself – accepted, respected, important.

Give your child a choice whenever possible.  Enforce your authority about issues involving safety, health, destruction of property, cruelty to others, considering the needs of others, etc.  At these times, be firm, unyielding, positive.  Using this approach helps a child perceive that his feelings really matter and, thus that he really matters.

We must end the circle of violence.  We are teaching our children to be violent in the way that we rear and discipline them.  We are modeling hostility, not caring for another’s feelings, and by so doing are building anger in these children that will lead them to not care about others and their feelings.  This is the anger that is the seed of violence.

Schneider is director of the TLC Counseling & Training Center and has a master’s from the Houston Graduate School of Theology.  Her daughter Karen Schneider is assistant director of the center and assisted in writing this piece

Originally Published in The Houston Post, April 14, 1994